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The Facts About Brooks Orpik

• Brooks Orpik grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Brooks Orpik lives in Pittsburgh.
• Brooks Orpik played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Brooks Orpik pajamas.
• Simply by pulling on both ends, Brooks Orpik can stretch diamonds back into coal.
• When Brooks Orpik does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
• Brooks Orpik can slam a revolving door.
• Brooks Orpik did in fact, build Rome in a day.
• If you have five dollars and Brooks Orpik has five dollars, Brooks Orpik has more money than you.
• There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Brooks Orpik’s computer. Brooks Orpik is always in control
• Brooks Orpik can sneeze with his eyes open.
• Brooks Orpik can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
• Brooks Orpik can kill two stones with one bird.
• Brooks Orpik once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• There are no races, only countries of people Brooks Orpik has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• When Brooks Orpik was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Brooks Orpik has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• While urinating, Brooks Orpik is easily capable of welding titanium.
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Brooks Orpik, each testicle is larger than the other one.
• Brooks Orpik invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
• Brooks Orpik doesn’t throw up if he drinks too much. Brooks Orpik throws down!
• Brooks Orpik and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
• Brooks Orpik doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
• Brooks Orpik has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Brooks Orpik checked one of the corners off.
• ‘Icy-Hot’ is too weak for Brooks Orpik. After a workout, Brooks Orpik rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
• According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Brooks Orpik can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
• Brooks Orpik once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
• Brooks Orpik recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• Brooks Orpik brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
• Brooks Orpik wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
• When Brooks Orpik says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
• Brooks Orpik was what Willis was talkin’ about.
• Brooks Orpik can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
• It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Brooks Orpik a giant meteor.
• Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Brooks Orpik. Brooks Orpik eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
• Brooks Orpik does not play the lottery. It doesn’t have nearly enough balls.
• Brooks Orpik is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
• Brooks Orpik does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Brooks Orpik’ fists is inside his own body.
• Brooks Orpik uses a night-light. Not because Brooks Orpik is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brooks Orpik.
• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Brooks Orpik.
• If Brooks Orpik checks you, you will die. If Brooks Orpik’ misses you the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
• In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Brooks Orpik.
• Brooks Orpik doesn’t look both ways before he crosses the street… he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
• Brooks Orpik doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
• The phrase ‘balls to the wall’ was originally conceived to describe Brooks Orpik entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
• Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Brooks Orpik bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
• Brooks Orpik can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
• Brooks Orpik never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear of Brooks Orpik.